Entitlement

... it's not really something I would have ever seen in myself, outside of the basic reminder that however rough I feel I have it, there are those who suffer daily much worse than I. And yet...

I find myself resentful of the friends who claim they understand what I deal with yet do nothing to help... or nothing when I need it, or who completely neglect to ask: "hey I'd like to come by and bring you some things, what do you need?"

Then I question why I am so angry, and why do I feel so betrayed, and what right have I to expect anything of these friends or family members, and it comes down to wanting to point the finger anywhere but in the mirror. My current difficulties aren't all my fault, sure, but many of them are, so why should it behoove anyone to help? And when did I get so proud that asking for the specific help I need is so damned hard?

When I look hard enough into the mirror, all I see is someone who can't make herself worth the effort from anyone else, and that being the case, what point is there in feeling hurt over the perception of neglect? No one is neglecting me worse than I am myself.

There is a deep and dark hole in me, that I insist on digging just a little deeper, almost daily.