Not Looking

Is there anyone out there who isn't ooking for their someone else?

I came to the conclusion at the close of my last relationship that the whole soul-mates thing isn't necessarily a myth, but true love is something much rarer than our media would have us believe, and furthermore, it isn't for everyone.

During my time with Chase, I learned how to love, and to be honest, I loved how it made me feel, how it softened my rough edges and made me feel safe and able to feel, possibly for the first time since I became a real adult, after having three children and my youthful surety and optimism crushed to a more realistic world-view. It was, however, a whole lot of work, and I think it only lasted as long as it did because of the distance between us physically made it more of an intellectual exercise. I do believe that people can make themselves fall in love, and can maintain that, even over a lifetime, but it is a phenomenal amount of work.

I suppose it is a measure of my emotional laziness that I am not willing to commit that energy to anyone else. (I'm barely willing to commit the energy it takes to type this to myself...) My sister would say it's fear, Chase would likely concur. I don't necessarily disagree, but it is my life and my heart, and I'm a little tired of eHarmony and Match.com insisting I need someone else's love to be complete.

I have been admired, I have had men and women both crush on me, and I've had infatuations of my own. But love, genuine, die-for-you true love? Nope, not once, not ever. And I don'r believe I have the capacity for it, to be honest. I can dream, and I can write it, but it's a fantasy, and as I have spent more time alone or in platonic company, it sinks in that for me, it's not even that pleasant of a fantasy.

I rather like being on my own. It's nice to have contact with other people, but there's no one whose voice I like the sound o as much as my own. That sounds egotistical, and maybe it is, but there it is. It is, at the root, honest.