So, some of this is going to come across as very egotistical, I'm sure, but I have to say it is only and ever honest assessment, not in any way self-gratifying aggrandisement.
I have been pondering attraction and the acting on attractions that I have had to deal with in the last few months, since I announced that I had split from my ex. It was an inadvertant announcement, based on the fact that I changed my status on facebook to Single, and thought it was private, but it turned out it wasn't, and all of a sudden the sharks started to circle.
Within a couple of days a friend, an acquaintance, and a TOTAL STRANGER had all let me know they would be happy to try and fill Scott's shoes. The thing is, I'm single and so very NOT LOOKING it's just not even possible to state. I am alone, happily, and since I have never felt the driving need to share my bed and my life with someone/anyone else, I could conceivably stay quite comfortably that way for the rest of my life. So why is it that all these people are crawling over themselves to step into the vacancy I haven't advertised?
Well, and here's where the ego comes in: as I go back over my life and various romances and relationships, I realise I am quite a charismatic person. Aside from a short period of solid hawtness as a teenager, I'm unphotogenic in the extreme, only marginally talented in too many areas, and not exactly the catch of the century as far as health, looks or bankroll goes. That said, I acknowledge that I do have a certain charm, sparkle, or whatever (my very own je ne c'est quoi!) that attracts certain people. And they can be harder to scrape off, however politely, than shit on a shoe.
I saw my mother cling to one man then another, I've seen my sister finally find happiness and passion with a fellow, and I've known every phase of love and desire that is out there. I don't want anything but friendship and companionship from any of my friends, but I am honest to go feeling hunted at times. And I look at myself and go, what? really? why? I'm 40, crippled for life, barely able to make ends meet much less get ahead... there really is better out there in every damned library in the country. Go! find someone ELSE!
In one significant case, I wanna smack the guy and say if you have to fall in love, fall in love with the woman you are sleeping with and leave me the hell out of it: she's my friend, arsehole! Thing is, he'd enjoy the smack, because he's that kind of a beaten puppy. Stockholm syndrome, anyone?
I wish the notsogood men, puppies and precocious predators would go wherever it is the good men have gone. I need to enjoy my comfie single bed by myself and without this weird pressure to let myself be bought and sold.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment